The Day I Realized I’m Fat
By
Jade Varden
I guess I was working my way toward
becoming fat for a while, but didn’t really notice. I kept rotating my pairs of
blue jeans to find bigger sizes. Then I switched to sweatpants with stretchy
waistbands. Eventually, I woke up one day and realized that none of my clothes fit me anymore.
I was fat, and I was immediately worried.
When had this happened? Why had this happened? I was exercising up to twice a
week, for Heaven’s sake! So I went straight to the doctor that cold February
day, and firmly told him I was going to need a full workup – check my hormones,
check my blood, check it all. Clearly, something was physically wrong with me
or my weight wouldn’t be so out of control.
I grit my teeth through every test, and
waited patiently (well, in this version of the story) for the physician to
return.
“What’s wrong with me?” I was anxious, and
sweating, and on the verge of bursting through my sweat pants.
“Absolutely nothing.” He put my file down
and turned to look at me. “Other than the weight, you’re in perfect physical
health.”
“What about my hormones? I don’t have some
sort of imbalance? I read on the Internet that a hormonal imbalance can cause
unexplained weight gain.”
“Your hormones are perfect.”
“Well…why am I so fat?” I demanded
desperately. My confusion was genuine. I’ve never been exactly happy with my weight, and I’ve always
been a bit on the plump side, but after I stepped on the scale that day at the
doctor’s office I knew without a doubt I was well past plump. I was fat.
“How many calories are you eating per day?”
He fired right back.
I didn’t have an answer. I mumbled
something about how I don’t count calories, but “I watch what I eat.”
He told me to stop watching it, and start
counting it instead. So I left his office that February morning, and I went out
to get myself a notepad and a pen. And I started to follow his advice…by eating
1200 calories a day.
Becoming
a Thin Girl
Now, let me make this clear. I visited my
doctor, and he suggested that I drop
my daily calorie count to 1200 until I lost the extra 50 pounds I didn’t need.
For many women, 1200 calories a day is just
enough to sustain life. If you eat fewer calories than this, you will
become anorexic and you will slowly starve to death. Even eating 1200 calories
a day is dicey business…as I was on the brink of discovering in February, 2012.
I went over on the first day, up to 1350,
and immediately felt like a failure. I could have just given up after that day,
and buried my face in a jar of peanut butter instead. But I had come to a point
in my life where I decided I was done. I was done with being fat, I was done
with being plump. I was done with worrying about my weight. I was going to
learn how to control it.
I was going to become thin.
So I went to the grocery store, and pretty
much bought them out of low-calorie snacks and meals. I learned that yogurt and
Jell-O can be decently filling in a pinch, that 80-calorie bread isn’t all that horrible once you get used to it,
and that you can even get ice cream sandwiches that are less than 100 calories
each. They are small, yes, but when you’re dieting on a strict basis any little
treat is cause for celebration.
And I started to eat 1200 calories a day,
every day, regularly. I had to buy more measuring cups, because I was tired of
washing the set I had four times a day. I had to give up on peanut butter and
baked potatoes. I discovered that mustard is zero calories, and made it my
favorite condiment. I started putting pico de gaillo – a low-cal treat at only
5 per tablespoon – on everything.
I upped my exercise schedule to four days a
week: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I started out at 20 minutes per
session. I built my entire daily schedule around exercise time, shower time,
snack times and meal times. I had to start eating every three hours, because
otherwise I felt like I was starving all day. Eating small snacks throughout
the day made me feel like I was cheating, even though I wasn’t. A 60-calorie
chocolate pudding becomes decadent when you’re on a severe diet.
I didn’t notice any results. That’s right: none. A month went by, two months. I
began adding time and motions to my exercise routine, until I was up to no less
than 90 minutes per session (yes you read it right – 6 hours a week). But
dutifully I kept on eating just enough to prevent starvation, and sweating
buckets four days out of every seven. I weighed myself regularly, and
eventually noticed the numbers were dropping. My body was a lot slower to react
– I guess it didn’t know I was supposed to be on this big-deal diet and
exercise routine.
In this fashion, 6 months went by. I woke
up feeling tired and grumpy one Sunday in the middle of a hot summer, and
reached for a pair of shorts I like to schlep around in when I just don’t care.
I put them on and made my way into the kitchen to get something to drink.
The pants fell down around my ankles in the
hall. I rushed back to my bedroom and turned on all the lights, then stripped
naked to stare in the mirror. At some point when I wasn’t looking, my body shrunk. I started trying on my clothes
right then and there, and by the time I’d put on every single pair of jeans in my closet I realized that I’d done
it.
I was a thin girl…or at least, I was going
to be. Because my program was working.
That was in early July, after I lost the first 40 pounds. I increased my daily
calories at that point, to 1300, to slow down my weight loss a little. I knew I
was nearing the end of my thin girl road, and would have to slowly work myself
out of full-on weight-loss mode. I started the diet dramatically, so I knew I
wanted to ease out of it a little more carefully.
It was right about that time that other
people started noticing my weight loss, too, and commenting on it. This
empowered me. I had acted on a plan, I had stuck with the plan, and I’d made it
work. By that time, when people asked about it, I told them it was actually
sort of easy to lose all the weight. I was so happy with the results, I forgot
about those desperate days of hunger and desire. It’s hard to drive past the
fast food places that tantalize you with sweet French fry scents, to sit
through those mouth-watering pizza commercials that require you only to dial a
number before this Heavenly creation is brought directly to the front door.
It’s hard to eat 1200 calories a day.
It’s really easy to fall in love with what
eating 1200 calories a day can do. I slowly increased my calorie count through
the rest of the summer, and devised a more sane exercise routine that I can
live with long-term (I still do it four days a week, but now my sessions are 40
to 80 minutes in length). By October 1, I reached my ideal weight.
A year has passed, now, since that day in
February 2012 when I realized that I was fat. I weigh 104 pounds, and I eat
1500 calories a day because I have a very sedentary job (I can’t figure out how
to jog and write at the same time). On the days that I exercise, I eat extra
calories – up to 400, depending on how much exercising I’ve done. After eating
1200 calories a day for so long, I feel like I’m pigging out half the time. And
sometimes I’ll have a small treat – a piece of birthday cake, two of those
glorious Christmas cookies, a handful of those French fries. But I’m still on a
diet.
I’m going to be on a diet for the rest of
my life, because I’m always going to count my calories carefully. I’ve seen
what happens when I don’t, and I know exactly
what I’m eating every day. The simple act of writing it down is cathartic –
you’ll either feel triumphant or defeated every time, and it’s a powerful
motivator. I’m going to pay attention to the calories I eat and the calories I
burn, because I’m thin…and I’m going to stay that way. Now, I know how.
 |
| Jade after in her before jeans |
Before
Weight: 152lbs (10st 12lbs/68.9kg)
Waist: 36 inches (91.4cm)
Hips: 40 inches (101.6cm)
Jeans size: US 10 (UK 12)
After
Weight: 104 lbs (7st 6lbs/47.2kg)
Waist: 25.5 inches (64.8cm)
Hips: 29 inches (73.6cm)
Jeans size: US 4 (UK 6)
About the Author
In addition to creating young adult novels for teen readers, Jade Varden writes freelance articles on fitness and fashion. When she’s not crafting mysteries in her books, Jade blogs practical writing tips for other authors. Jade currently makes her home in Louisville, Kentucky, where she attempts to share exercise space with one very insistent cat. Follow her on Twitter @JadeVarden.
Inspiring - and you look fabulous, Jade! Another really interesting post, Annalisa!
ReplyDeleteJade did so well, didn't she?
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